He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
