I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
