Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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