I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
