ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
