there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
