trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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