I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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