I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
