Only a mothe r could love this liver
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
