Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
