I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
