I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
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omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
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took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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