I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
