There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
