see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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