Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
