I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
