Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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