i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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