i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
