Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
