dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
