i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
