I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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