dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
