i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
