do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
