Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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