i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
