god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
