Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
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