Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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