i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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