i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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