he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
