Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
