i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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