Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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