Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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