No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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