im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
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Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
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he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize