I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
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My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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