checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
