I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I understand Curling. That high.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
