Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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