how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize