I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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