well you can't waste a boner
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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