We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
