she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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