oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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