Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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